I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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