At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
