Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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