i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm too high and old for this...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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