can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this just has baby written all over it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
