I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Randomize
