Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
