oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
