I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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