Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
