Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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