never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
