I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
