Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
