I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
