please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
