Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
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