Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
