Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
