The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
