How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
