How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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