She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Acid is not a monday night drug
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
