your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
