I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
