My sheets look like a crime scene.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
