apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
