Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
