you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
