i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
