wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
