oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she smelled like a LAN party
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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