She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
