And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
