Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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