I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
