Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
