Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
