You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
