I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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