ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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