Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
