Swine flu is the new snow day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
