my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
