My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
