I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
