the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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