I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
