Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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