i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
