nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
