You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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