So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
