I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
